Astounding Chocolate Chip Cookies

“Real badasses eat chocolate chip cookies. I’ma gonna get that tattooed across my back in Old English font.”
Tiny Tina

Chocolate Chip Cookies are a crucial part of our national heritage, and it is important that you know how to bake them. Most recipes make twice as many cookies and thus take twice as long to bake — I prefer the smaller batch.

To prepare: Pre-heat your oven to 350F. Get out a mixing bowl and hand-mixer. Have a small food processor handy (because we are too lazy to process hazelnuts with a knife). And of course make sure your baking sheet, Silpat, and very-thin-edged spatula are clean and available. You’ll also need clean counter-space with a paper towel on it for them to cool.

Put the following in your mixing bowl:

  • 1 cup of turbinado/raw sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 1/2 cup of butter (aka “1 stick of butter.” If you need to measure it because you’re using ghee, do 2/4 cups and keep your 1/2 cup measure dry)

Mix! Now add:

  • 1 + 1/2 cups of oat flour

Mix! Now add:

  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp powdered ginger
  • 2 tsp vanilla extract

Mix! Now add:

  • 1 cup (half-bag) semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • 1/2 cup of ground hazelnuts (run through your food processor)
  • eyeball up to 1/4 cup of ground oats (run through your food processor)

Mix!

Now scoop them into spoonful-sized lumps on your Silpat and bake them at 350 for 10 minutes — a square cookie sheet should hold 9 cookies in a 3×3 pattern, a rectangular one might go for 3×4. Once they’re baked, let them sit for a couple of minutes to cool and then use the spatula to transfer them to paper towels to finish cooling. If you have difficulty getting them off that non-stick silicon surface, then either you’re not letting them cool enough or your spatula has too thick of a blade.

Notes:

  • If you add the ingredients in the order I’ve listed them, you should be able to get away with using just one set of measuring cups and spoons as the liquids and fats are the last things in contact with their measures.
  • Butter quality is important here. If you’re doubtful on butter like I am, clarified butter (ghee) works too and avoids most of the dairy components that trigger allergies. Alternately, coconut oil can be used instead (1/3 cup or slightly more) but the cookies won’t spread on the cookie sheet as usual and will turn out a bit dry. For my balance of allergies and quality standards, I’ll be sticking with ghee. Note that butter and especially ghee should be out of the fridge and getting up to room temperature for a few minutes before you try to mix it.
  • You can substitute some of the sugar with honey; I’ve gotten away with as much as 1/4 cup of direct substitution. It is super-delicious as the honey gives a softer mouth-feel and provides better balance for the ginger in the aftertaste. I didn’t mention it above as it complicates the measuring cups.
  • If you’re using an egg that has a visible chalaza — the filament that holds the yolk in place — you may want to pick that out, as it will get a nasty rubbery texture when it bakes. I always crack my eggs into custard cups before mixing them in so I can de-chalaza them.
  • The semi-sweet or dark chocolate chips are required, as milk chocolate is a lie: they call it a chocolate chip, but then remove a bunch of the chocolate and replace it with milk and sugar. It’s like calling a Starbucks’ drink “coffee”: only true for people who don’t know what they’re talking about.
  • During the course of baking, the cookies will flatten and spread. First, they should be small enough to not touch each other during this process. Second, they should be as pictured above: almost flat, but still round at the edge. If they come out too flat, you may want to add more flour. If they refuse to flatten, add more butter (unless you’re doing coconut oil, in which case this is expected behavior from what I’ve seen).