Guest post by Alyssa Huque, University of Oregon
Editor’s note: Alyssa was one of my debate students, but this particular speech/roast was developed as a satire on/parody of current events in the United States. It uses snowcloning and juxtaposition to extensively re-frame Trump campaign promises across national, theological, racial, and sexual boundaries while recontextualizing the claims against a historical background to attack white supremacy, all while trying to make it funny despite the ongoing unpleasantness of the topic. Links are added for context and are not endorsements.
I’m going to be deported. To Mexico.
This is perhaps a surprise to some people, as I’m a reasonably affluent American citizen who even spent seven years in Catholic school. But please notice: I’ve got brown skin. So unless I can turn that white, I’m probably going to be deported. And, notice, I’m not wearing a hijab, so I’m going to be deported to Mexico.
But that’s okay. That’s okay. I’ve got a plan.
See, my plan is simple: I’m going to be elected President of Mexico. And I will do this by telling the poor downtrodden people of the Mexican working class that I can Make Mexico Bueno Again.
Now I don’t expect you to take me seriously. In fact, I expect you to write me off as a joke. After all, what could, I, an affluent city girl from the northwest know about the struggles of impoverished people who live… somewhere down south of me? They’d never vote for me. My Hispanic skills are on par with Dora the Explorer, which is essentially yelling a few words in Espanol and then blinking uncomfortably at the audience . . . Muy bien! Anyways, the only thingDora and I sort-of have in common is the melanin levels in our skin.
So I’m going to be El Presidente de Mexico. But first I’m going to have to campaign to win the people’s hearts and minds. Or maybe just hearts. Or maybe just limbic systems? Honestly we can set a pretty low bar for how much we really need when all I want from them is to vote for me.
To get people to vote for me, all I gotta do is act presidential. Now I know a lot of people are concerned that maybe I’m not presidential enough, but hey, I’m a really smart people and acting presidential is easy. You know what presidential is? I walk on, stand up straight, nod my head to all the snowflakes, and say: “Ladies and gentlemen, just those two genders, it is a great honor to be with you today. I am here today to talk about big issues like being a reform candidate, economics, terrorism, and building a ziggurat, a yuge ziggurat.” And that’s all I gotta do, the people will love me.
I’ll start my campaign in the lobby of a resort in Cancun. I’ll pay a bunch of people to be excited for me. And I’ll stand at a podium and announce my candidacy for president to help them take Mexico back from all of these white-flights they see around them, coming down from Los Estados Unidos. “When they send their people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending their dads with disposal cameras; they’re obnoxiously loud children, they’re moms with fanny packs!” I would say pointing at the tourists before concluding that “And some, I assume, are Canadian” while shrugging and pointing to nobody at all to the spontaneous applause of my hired audience.
I will be the reform candidate. I’ll have to be: the status quo candidates are the ones who are letting all the gringos into the country. And the language of reform varies only slightly on a country by country basis because all capital cities have bad reputations. Washington D.C. is supposedly a swamp, hence the slogan “Drain the Swamp.” Mexico City is being overwhelmed by garbage, so I’m thinking I’ll use the environmentally-friendly slogan “Recycle the Dump.” I’ll use this slogan to remind the people of who I’ll later be appointing to my cabinet, the same garbage I said I would be taking out. But I’m recycling so it’s okay, trust me.
But they don’t actually care about their politicians, they care about their economic positions. And right now, Mexico is feeling a lot of economic anxiety. And this economic anxiety is felt by those gang members and cartels, economic anxiety brought on by countries like the United States refusing to import valuable Mexican-made products like black tar heroin, anarchy, and small government, instead illegally favoring domestic products like oxycotin, vicodin, and cooperative federalism. But the aggressiveness of the cartels merely shows how vivacious and ready-to-compete Mexico’s free-market capitalists are, and I promise to re-negotiate the bad trade deals with the United States that are keeping the cartels down.
As a candidate I would need to look beyond economics, to foreign policy, but what’s even going on with Europe, anyway? We hear about how they’ve got all of these terrorist attacks going on over there. That’s very dangerous to us. We know about their historical tendency towards radical Christianity, so I’d ban all immigrants from Europe. We’ve seen their aggression and hatred first-hand in the past. We will not be infiltrated by conquistadors! No more immigration from Europe until that’s all sorted out. Only I will keep Mexico safe from Christian conquistadors.
And how will I keep Mexico safe? How will I make Mexico bueno again? By building a ziggurat, a yuge ziggurat, just like the Aztecs used to build in the good ‘ol days. The ziggurats back then stood 10, 15, I even hear 300 feet tall and surrounded the Aztecs temples, protecting it bigly. And we’d make Spain pay for it, using all the gold they stole from us a few centuries ago. This yuge ziggurat we’re going to build — and make Spain pay for it — it’s so very important. So very important to making Mexico bueno again. Because that ziggurat is all about establishing a new symbol of law and order. And my becoming the new high priest of the resurgent Aztec people’s theocracy. It’ll be so good, so good, you’ll love the law and order and heroin emanating from my bueno country. Trust me. With me as high priest, Mexico will be bueno again. Trust me.
But why do I insist on becoming the new Aztec High Priest? Well I tell you, sometimes… When I see a handsome muchacho — I don’t even wait. And when you’re the Aztec High Priest, they let you do it. You can do anything… Grab them by their still-beating heart and rip it from their chest in ritual sacrifice to Huitzilopochtli. You can do anything. And they just let you do it.
And when you see America in decline under the guidance of a gropey old man while Mexico is ascendant under the glorious leadership of a young and vibrant president-priest conducting ritual human sacrifice at the pinnacle of her yuge ziggurat, you’ll know I made Mexico bueno again.
So I raise my chalice of human blood to Immigrations and Customs Enforcement. I’m ready to be deported. Let’s go. Huitzilopochtli bless you and Huitzilopochtli bless Mexico!